Greenspan to ask ‘Whassup’: In an effort to recast his image from stern inflation hawk to fun-loving homeboy, Fed chairman Alan Greenspan will appear in one of Budweiser’s popular “Whassup” TV commercials. In the commercial, Greenspan is greeted by several members of his “posse” with the now familiar salutation, “Whassup,” to which the Fed chief responds, “I’ll tell you what’s up: the consumer price index, reflecting tightness in the labor markets and resultant wage pressures.” While most of the “Whassup” ads run only 30 seconds, the Greenspan installment runs a full 42 minutes to accommodate the Fed chairman’s lengthy and typically cryptic comments about inflation and the stock market. Members of Greenspan’s posse were impressed by the Fed chief’s performance. “Yo, he was the bomb,” commented Kay-Z, one of the homeboys on the commercial. “He was all that and a bag of chips, know what I’m saying?”
Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync to merge: Citing increased efficiency and synergy as a result of combining their similar operations, teenybopper bands the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync announced a merger today. Goldman Sachs will broker the all-stock transaction, and several heartthrobs are expected to be either spun off or shut down. “I think that dorky Backstreet Boy with the itty-bitty goatee is history,” predicted one analyst familiar with the deal.
Puff Daddy to Citibank? While the financial media have speculated that Sandy Weill may tap his lieutenant, former Treasury secretary Robert Rubin, to assume expanded responsibilities at Citibank, insiders report that Weill is poised to go for a different candidate altogether: embattled rapper Sean (Puff Daddy) Combs. “They’ve been hanging together, going to clubs and driving around in limos at 80 miles per hour, running red lights all the way,” the insider said. “Sandy never does that with Rubin.”
Disney/ABC to Air ‘Millionaire’ eight days a week: In an effort to maximize profits for its “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” franchise, Disney-ABC will air the series eight days a week, sources close to the network say. While ABC currently broadcasts programming only on seven days, the extra “Millionaire” broadcast will be scheduled by creating a new day, tentatively called Fruesday. It was not known where in the week ABC intended to place Fruesday, but TV-industry sources speculated that it would be somewhere between Friday and Tuesday.
CBS-Viacom’s ‘M:I-2’ slammed by critics: In a development sure to hurt the bottom line of CBS-Viacom, experts around the world attacked the new Tom Cruise release “M:I-2,” saying that the mission depicted in the film was actually possible. “Had the mission been truly impossible, Cruise would have been blown up at some point of the film,” said Dr. Sven Lykviststrom of Sweden’s Institute of Impossible Missions. “The fact that he succeeds in completing the mission means that the mission was, in fact, possible.”
Intel to merge with Teligent: In a merger between two top players in the high-tech field, Intel will merge with Teligent, forming a new entity called Intelligent. “We strongly feel that Teligent provides us with an important strategic partner going forward,” said Intel chief Andy Grove. “Plus, it adds two missing syllables to our company’s name.” Teligent insiders concurred with Grove’s assessment. “This merger will clear up some serious spelling problems that have plagued us in the past,” a Teligent source said. “It really bugged us that we were missing that second ‘L’.”
